Since forever I love to observe people, my family, friends, people on the streets, students in my college and so on. I often just look at them and wonder what their life must be like. Life of a beggar, of a soon-to-be retired college professor, my neighbor who won’t talk to anyone, of ever so polite old woman on grocery store; they always fascinates me and so one day thinking about such a person i wrote something and came up with this idea of writing diaries of random people.
For now, I don’t have a many of such entries but i hope they increase and i will keep sharing them with you so here goes the very first of them all: read it and remember if you have ever felt this way: tired, broken, disgusting…it’s about a such a person who want a escape from not this world, but from his own mind.
They say; be yourself and some think that that’s the easiest thing to do and that’s what we all want to do: be ourselves. Well, maybe it’s easy and sweet and makes you feel strong but….I don’t want to be myself. The last thing I want to do is to be myself because you don’t know what I am, but I know and I want to run away from it, the mind that I have, run from it, hide somewhere so it cannot find me, crawl out of this if I can do that but it doesn’t work that way, I am telling you, I am stuck with myself, no matter how much I want to leave I have to live with it.
I remember what the others have said when I told them about this, they told me about how they are tired of their lives too and how hard it is for them to cope up with their problem but in the end by being their best they live a happy life; they don’t understand. Problems, I can have them, bring me loads of them and I won’t be complaining, it’s this mind I cannot keep up with, these eyes which sees too much, too much hope, too many expectations, negativity, failure; these ears, which cannot do anything but eavesdrop on the things they should not be hearing; these hands, destroying everything they have ever held; these legs, walking on the wrong path again and again. I am tired of all of them but above all I am tired of this fussing brain which won’t shut up for a moment, which won’t leave me in peace for just even a minute. It will keep thinking about the past, the sad one, the mistakes and crying over them, it will ignore the good memories it had accidently allowed me to make. It won’t stop calculating the odds and possibilities of what would have had happened in the past if it had worked differently but never changes the future. The future I know is full of my mind, its whirling and clicking and all in wrong way.
I don’t talk to anyone about it, I know it’s no use. They say talking helps but trust me, they are all tired of me, hell, I am tired of myself. Tired of watching the past mistakes again and again, making them look more terrible then they actually are, tired of planning for the future I am never gonna work for, tired of seeing faults in everyone I meet, tired of this darkness that surrounds me like it’s my prison.
So, I want to run, away from this mind, this hideous face, this ugly body, this overthinking brain. I want to crawl out of this skin and live someone, anyone who is not this thing that I am.
No, it’s not easy to be myself.